Artist Statement Feedback

Here are some of the bits of feedback I was given from my first draft of the artist statement:

1. (On the 3rd paragraph down) maybe I could start with the 'I want this!' and the 'Do you really need that?' because it is a strong opening.
2. Mention something about how advertising relates to our desires, we feel complete when we have purchased something.
3. (To do with the transfer art I did in surface pattern) I could say something about when I push the colour through the cotton fabric it is like a bleeding/penetrating notion. Relate the bleeding etc. to consumerism.
4. Include the exhibiting and curating collaboration I had done as that is what advertisement companies do. Not knowing identity.
5. (Looking at the poster I made of the homeless man sitting distorted in the street) I could relate that to early 3D cinema because the distortion makes it look 3D like. 3D can be related to super hero's but putting a homeless man in 3D could say something else.
6. (The blocks that are shops but painted) Could mention that they are like children s playing blocks as they are really small but does have a deeper meaning behind it.
7. (My Photoshoped images) Photoshop is what advertisers use, I have been using their tools against them. 
8. (Illusion mirror eye) relate this to the 3D posters, how they both generate a slight illusion.
9. At the end of the statement when I talk about what I will do in the future, I can be specific because I know what I want to do for the final piece in the exhibition! be specific!